4. Deep Fried Romance

Before I begin, I'd like to pay respects to a Chickenland employee that has just punched in their last shift. Motormouth, Amanda (not her real name actually), Pretty... she had many weird nicknames names that were forced upon her by the powers that rule Chickenland. I don't know why she was given the opportunity to be successful somewhere else, but she'll be sorely missed by us at Chickenland. Probably just me and Shawn. Not many people cared for her. Shawn thinks the reason is that she may not have been 'good enough'. Is that even possible in this kind of work? I mean, really???

Now to the post. I don't know if it's all the grease particles suspended in the air or if it's the heat from the fryers grills and ovens in a 30'x30' room. Maybe it's all the old people that come and spend there hours in the lobby like there really is nothing better they could do with the rest of their shortening lives, but for some reason, what a man would see as attractive in public is a little skewed when he's working at Chickenland. I've seen men and women alike turn their noses up at the Customer that just walked out of a Hollister catalog and go crazy for the cranky, smelly, ick coworker.

The Parable of The Cowboy and The Horribly Disfigured Obese Bull (True story):

A young man we shall call 'Cowboy' and a female humanoid (because I wouldn't call her young, or a woman, or human for that matter) called 'Dodeca' fell "in love". Aaaaaw love in fast food. That's so sweet! you might think, but let me paint a mental image for you: a rodeo clown and a very fat retired bull with only two legs to support itself with. Dodeca had an ass that could swallow the g-strings of the world and still be hungry for more. I liked to call her T. Rex because if you spoke to her, she would bite your head off. That and she walked like a dinosaur. One leg at a time...
Anyways, Cowboy had had beautiful girlfriends in the past, I know, and he could definitely find another one too. But he had eyes for that big thing that none of us couldn't help but look at. Every shift with her involved the raping of my eyes; a very traumatic period in my time with Chickenland. Dodeca had also had some boyfriends in her past and even children believe it or not. Not sure how they managed to not be crushed by all the fat surround their little fetuses. Not sure how I'm going to make it through this story without ripping on Dodeca every other sentence either. hmm...
Cowboy fell for the monstrosity and the Chickenland world was abuzz with the juicy gossip. Why? What is he thinking? Why? How would that even work? Every day I worked with Cowboy, I heard one horror story after the next: She was surprisingly jealous (if any man would lower his drowning standards to be with you, then you don't have the right), very opinionated, and apparently being with her makes you sick. That's right, the day after he sealed the deal, Cowboy had to call in sick. WARNING SIGNS Well her jealousy got so out of control that the wicked witch Dodeca put Cowboy on a three strikes rule and he had already used like 5:

1. Got caught texting his ex.
2. Didn't get into a fight over her honor.
3. Got caught texting his ex again.
4. Called out sick after, well...
5. Got caught texting. Just texting. She's way controlling.

So they broke up! Well she broke up with him, but we'll never forget the moral of the story: Don't sleep with monsters. Am I right? Also, workplace romances are a BAD idea.

1. It's just weird.
2. We don't want to get dragged into your arguments.
3. What are you going to do when you break up?
4. What are you going to do if you get married?
5. What are you going to do if she comes to you with 'news'?

If you're thinking about that oddly pretty girl at work who flirts with you, then stop. Don't act on it. This is called sexual tension and there are far safer ways to relieve it besides disrupting your workplace or making things awkward between the two of you. Just remember the difference between hot-hot and work-hot. If you find your self attracted to the new meth head teen that just got hired, then stop and think, she's just work-hot. Not actually hot. Another thing, people look a lot different outside of their work uniforms. It's amazing what a t-shirt, plain colored slacks, and a baseball cap can hide, good and bad.

That's it. Here's a list of other workplace romances that inevitably failed and were successful at interfering with my life at Chickenland whether I wanted to get involved or not.

1. Turtle and Katiebug
2. Turtle and Nicky
3. Hamster and MasterBateman (say it fast and dirty lol)
4. Shawn and Ginger*
5. Shawn and Miracle*
6. Shawn and Dreamgirl*
7. Hamster and Scotty
8. Scotty and that Nott girl
9. Shawn and every other girl at Chickenland*

*In his dreams hahahahahahahahahaha